BARNSLEY EARTHQUAKE

A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale, hit in the early
hours of Friday morning: Epicentre Barnsley England.

News of the disaster was swiftly carried abroad by the towns 35000 
racing pigeons, as victims were seen wandering aimlessly muttering
"fookinhell" and "choofinnorah".

The earthquake decimated the town causing £ 30.00 worth of damage, 
several priceless collections of mementos from the Balaeric Isles and
the Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond repair. Three historical
burnt out cars were disturbed.

Many locals were woken well before their Giro arrived. Radio Barnsley
reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered , 
still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting
had happened in Barnsley. One resident, 15 year old mother of 3 Tracy 
Sharron Braithwaite said, "it was such a shock, my little
Chardonnay-Madonna came running into my bedroom crying.The twins,
Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking
when I was watching Trisha the next morning". Locals were determined 
not to be bowed as looting, muggings and car crime carried on as normal.

So far whilst the British Red Cross has managed to ship 4000 crates of 
Sunny Delight to the area to relieve the suffering of stricken locals,
rescue workers searching through the rubble have found large quantities
of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from
Elizabeth Duke at Argos and bone china from Pound stretcher..

CAN YOU HELP/ Please respond Generously to our appeal for food and 
clothing forthe victims of this disaster:

Clothing is needed most of all : especially Fila or Burberry baseball 
caps Kappa tracksuit tops ( his or hers) Shell suits (female) White
sports socks Rockfort boots or any other product from Primark

Culturally sensitive foods parcels are harder to put together, but your
effortswill make a difference. Microwave meals, tinned baked beans, ice
cream and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew are ideal. PLEASE DO NOT GIVE
ANYTHING THAT REQUIRES PEELING.

Remember.
 22p buys a biro for filling in compensation claims
 £2 buys chips, crisps, and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9
 £5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm a childs nerves

URGENTLY REQUIRED: Tinned whippet food. Bones for Jack Russell's.

Please do not send tents for shelter. The sight of such posh housing 
will cause discontent in the surounding South Yorkshire Communities

We are sure you will respond to our hardship