Men & Women

My brother and I found ourselves in a friendly battle of the sexes.

Adult learning center courses for women taught by men

Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Downor Talking About It for 3 Hours?
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase.
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
How to Shop by Yourself.

Classes for Men

Calling All Boys who Like Dark Rooms - Instructions on Changing Light Bulbs
Seek New Thrills – Explore Shopping beyond Costco
Come Hither - Get Hot – Learn to Iron
Sucker for a Good Time? Top 10 Tips on Vacuuming
Like it Wet and Wild? Hands on lessons in weed-pulling and watering
Feeling Soft and Smelling Good – Let’s Fold Laundry

For the Women’s discussion group

Shoes or Viruses – Which multiply faster? (A mathematical simulation lab)
Is leaving at 7:00PM statistically different from leaving at 9:30PM? (A timed assessment activity)
Closets – Do they really shrink over time? (Field trip)
Is it really that difficult to kill a mouse or cockroach? (Biology Lab Session)
Is it cheaper to visit the restroom in pairs? (A sex-controlled cohort study using paired t-test methodology)

More Classes for women

Instructions/manuals are not just extra packaging.
Car tyres and checking pressures. A beginner’s guide.
Sometimes “But it looks so pretty” is not a good enough reason to buy something.
And a personal favourite: Multi-tasking women verses single-tasking men. Twice as productive or half as effective? Discuss.

What Women Really Mean

"Fine": This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
"Five minutes": This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
"Nothing": This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine".
"Go Ahead!": At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

"Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows!): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"
"Go Ahead" (Normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
"That's okay": This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."
"Please do": This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"
"Thanks": A woman is thanking you. Do not! faint. Just say you're welcome.
"Thanks a lot": This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
Soft Sigh: Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

What Men Really Mean

"Have you lost weight?": I spent our last $60 on a cordless drill.
"You need new clothes again?": You just bought clothes 4 years ago.
"You look terrific": Please don't try on one more outfit.
"Can I help with dinner?": Why isn't stuff on the table?
"I got a lot done": Found Waldo in almost every picture.
"I'm getting more exercise lately": I can't find the TV Remote.
"I do help around the house": I put a towel in the laundry basket.
"We share the housework": I make the messes, she cleans them up.
"I'll fix the garbage disposal later": If I wait long enough you'll buy a new one.
"I've got my reasons for doing this": And I sure hope I think of some soon.
"You're working too hard": I can't hear the TV over the vacuum.
"Uh huh", "Sure" or "Yes dear": Nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"I'm listening; got things on my mind": Is that redhead wearing a bra?
"That's interesting dear": Are you still talking?
"Let's take your car": Mine's full junk and out of gas.
"I'm not lost. I know where we are.": No one will ever see us alive again.
"You know how bad my memory is": I forgot to...
"Thinking of you and got these roses": The girl selling them was a real babe.
"I brought you a present": It was free ice scraper night at the game.
"I'm going fishing": Gonna drink myself stupid by a stream.
"Hey, I've read all the classics": I subscribe to Playboy.
"Go ask your mother": I'm incapable of a decision about that.
"I can't find...": It didn't jump up and say "Here I am!"
"What did I do this time?": What did you catch me at now?
"She's one of those rabid feminists": She refused to make my coffee.
"I missed you": I couldn't find a darn thing.

T-shirts for women

I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
I'm multi-talented: I can talk and tick you off at the same time
Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP!
Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?
Next mood swing... 6 minutes.
I hate everybody and you're next
Please don't make me kill you.
And your point is...?
All stressed out and no one to choke.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

Rules that men wish women knew

If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your fat ass in a gym.
Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put the f*cker down.
Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes arguments when we comment on it.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present.......again!
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you dont want to hear.
Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
Anyone can buy condoms.
Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
Dogs are better than ANY cats.
Sunday = Football/Rugby/Any other sport. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Shopping is not a sport.
Anything you wear is fine. Really.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is a twat and your Dad probably is too.
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
Yes, pi**ing standing up is more difficult than pi**ing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, that would look good with your dress?
Yes, No and Mmm are perfectly acceptable answers.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. Now.
Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
Check your oil. It is an essential part of the car.
The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
Fake it. We'd rather be deceived than ineffective.
Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
The male models with the great bodies you see in magazines are all gay. Face it.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
Let us oggle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Consider Sport a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
Women wearing Wonderbras, low-cut blouses, tight tops, no jackets, chest level logo'd t-shirts etc. etc. lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship.
If you want some dessert after a meal - order some. You don't have to finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don't say "No, I couldn't/shouldn't/don't want any" and then eat half of mine. Dieting doesn't work without exercise.
If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit-food nouvelle-cuisine style. A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, cold beer and more cold beer. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in good quantities - everything else falls under the category 'garnish'.
Do not question our sense of direction or our ability to remember where we left the car in the car park.

Snappy Comebacks to the Age Old Question: "Why Aren't You Married Yet?"

You haven't asked yet.
I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
Nobody would believe me in white.
Because I just love hearing this question.
Just lucky, I guess.
It gives my mother something to live for.
My fiance is awaiting parole.
I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
It didn't seem worth a blood test.
I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.

Visitor comments

No visitor comments. Why not be the first to add one?

You need to log in/register to post a comment.